This will be a dull and simple post, because that’s the way my mind is right now, dull and simple. I never imagined I could feel this fatigued. It’s as if every bit of excess energy I ever had has been sucked out of my body, leaving only the small residual necessary to barely function: get up, walk around, eat (a little), shower, go to my Stanford appointments, read, watch TV (although often that’s so grating, I have to turn it off). I’ve tried to be physically active as much as I can, walking around the neighborhood a little in the morning, and inside the Stanford building while waiting to be called in. But often I’m lightheaded, and can’t go as long as I’d like. My brain seems set on its lowest power setting; the smallest decision (news or sports?) seems daunting, impenetrable; whatever brain-flame I had inside me has gotten ramped down to a small flickering pilot light. For a guy who loves his brain-flame as much as I do (even though it causes trouble at times), this is a desperate state: I’ve become a dullard.
All entirely expected and normal, I’m told, given the massive chemo I got last week, and the rapid, continuing decline in my blood counts. And the good news is that I’ve managed so far to avoid other bad side effects — no nausea (just a few moments of passing queasiness), fairly minor digestive troubles, and I’m still eating (although my appetite is reduced and my tastes altered). As much as my dull mind can be grateful for these things, I am.
But I’m scared of the fact that I have a minimum of 8 – 11 days more of this deep fatigue before I feel a small bit better, a period during which the non-fatigue side effects will worsen. A period, too, in which I’m prone to all manner of infections. The Stanford people seem particularly worried about outside dust blowing up fungal infections, so of course this morning at 8:30 leaf-blowing started outside our front window, creating a roiling mass of dust and debris. Why is this guy trying to kill me? I shut the few open windows and put on my mask for 20 minutes, hoping the spores stayed outside or had time to settle down inside. We’ll see. (Update, new leaf blower across the road, a conspiracy?)
I’m sorry I don’t have the force to respond to all of you who have been so kind to me and Suzie with your messages of support and caring. Later I hope.
I’ve run out of steam. I’ll provide another update when I can.
Categories: Blogging